FBI Replaces Jobs Website With One Dutch Courthouse Window
Applicants for federal service will now submit résumés, fingerprints, and parking validation through Rotterdam’s most secure piece of glass.
SPILL ALERT
THE REAL NEWS HAS BEEN ADVISED TO RETAIN COUNSEL ◆ NO ADULT SUPERVISION ◆ ZERO FILLER ◆ ABSURDITY SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE
02 / THE SPILLBOARDWHAT JUST
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HAPPENED?
Politics, processed with absolutely no adult supervision.
Pope Leo Makes Europe Check Territorial Ambitions at Security
The new screening process permits one carry-on grievance, provided it fits beneath the seat.
Alito Recuses, Supreme Court Builds Oil Company Velvet Rope
The Court says the new barrier will preserve public confidence while preventing any justice from accidentally making eye contact with a quarterly…
THE DAY
GOT WEIRDER.
Hegseth Assigns Every Voting Machine a Battle Buddy
The Pentagon says no ballot scanner should have to face a paper jam without a trusted partner beside it.
Seoul Unveils Giant Ministry of Please Don’t Tell Anyone
The new department will protect sensitive information with velvet ropes, ceremonial scissors, and a livestreamed ribbon-cutting.
04 / KEEP SCROLLINGMORE BAD
MORE BAD
DECISIONS.
Every current SPILL, newest first.
Switzerland Sends NATO a Numbered Ticket and Asks It to Wait
The country’s neutrality office says every geopolitical emergency will be addressed in the order it was politely received.
Trump Administration Replaces Law School Accreditation With One Giant Escape Room
Future attorneys will now demonstrate professional readiness by locating jurisdiction, a fire exit, and the person holding the tiny brass key.
Mike Waltz Moves Iran Diplomacy Into a Claw Machine
Officials say the new negotiating platform rewards patience, precision, and accepting that the crane is legally not obligated to close.
Trump NATO Ambassador Puts Peace Table on Wheels, Chases Putin With It
NATO says the mobile furniture initiative will remain in motion until Russia stops moving the meeting location.
Democrats Make House and Senate Campaigns Share One Emergency Credit Card
The card may be used for any battleground purchase, provided both chambers initial the receipt in blue ink.
ICE Launches Mobile Detention Center With Pull-Down Service Counter
The new rolling facility is designed to bring federal processing directly to wherever its own paperwork says it already is.
Congress Assigns Chaperones to Federal Server Racks
Under the new security framework, no classified spreadsheet may slow-dance with an unfamiliar router.
FBI Hides Careers Portal in Witness Protection Program
Applicants are told the new hiring system is more secure because even the Bureau cannot confirm where it went.
New Jersey Places Lieutenant Governor’s Office on Performance Improvement Plan
The vacant suite must complete quarterly compliance modules before it is trusted with another human being.
Kevin McCarthy Orders GOP Midterm Hopefuls to Campaign Without Chairs
Candidates will remain upright until Election Day, except during donor lunches classified as “vertical engagement.”
Trump Administration Funds University Lab’s Federal Complaint About Itself
The $700,000 award will establish a fully staffed office for determining whether the office should have been funded.
Trump Unveils Federal Recycling Bins for Unfavorable Polls
The White House says improperly discarded numbers may re-enter the public conversation as “unauthorized confidence.”
Trump Requires Red Sea Crisis To Submit Better Deck Before Response
A new White House review process will determine whether international emergencies have sufficiently premium fonts, color palettes, and momentum.
Netanyahu Deploys Roomba Diplomats After UN Walkout
The autonomous envoys were programmed to remain seated through all remarks, pending clearance from their national charging stations.
Russia Threatens Denmark With 400,000 Uncloseable Parking-App Pop-Ups
The operation’s planners reportedly chose the format after concluding that tanks require too much customer support.
Texas Election Offices Move Voter Registration Backlog to Airport Terminal
Applicants will now learn their civic status from a departure board that changes gates every eleven minutes.
Trump Converts West Wing Into Podcast Guest Waiting Room
The president will now sit beneath a ring light until the nation’s microphones remember who built the microphones.
Trump Arch Granted Historic Status Before It Exists
The administration says the empty space where it will stand has already become too important to disturb.
Trump Installs Giant U.S.-China Power Meter Outside White House
The administration says the new diplomatic instrument will provide a single, highly adjustable answer to every question about global influence.
Treasury Adds Surge Pricing to U.S. Debt After Yields Jump
Bond buyers will now be encouraged to book America several Tuesdays in advance or accept whatever aisle seat remains beside the deficit.
Mike Rogers Campaign Adds Retractable Trump Wall to Every Michigan Event
The partition can deploy in under three seconds, or whenever a volunteer hears the phrase “bipartisan common ground.”
Trump Administration Launches Argentina Rewards Program for $7 Billion
The new Milei Miles card lets Washington earn priority boarding on future barrels of oil.
DHS Converts Headquarters Into 250,000-Square-Foot Escape Room
Visitors will have 60 minutes to locate a functioning chain of command before a prerecorded alert announces that their badge no longer…
FBI Reassigns Every Agent to a Parking Garage Identity
The bureau says no one can leak an agent’s identity if every agent is technically Level C, Blue Section, near the broken…
CNN and CBS Ordered to Share One Giant Breaking-News Desk
The merged newsroom says the new arrangement will eliminate duplication, except for the 47 people assigned to explain whose turn it is…
Kim Jong Un Rebrands Missile Program as Premium Headache Experience
The new strategic deterrent will reportedly begin with a complimentary hold-music consultation and end whenever the customer stops asking questions.
Texas Pollsters Rezone State as Mixed-Use Government
The new arrangement gives each statewide race its own entrance, thermostat and carefully litigated access to the shared driveway.
Democrats Add Airport Security to the Big Tent
Party officials say every viewpoint remains welcome after a brief, respectful screening for liquids, sharp objects, and unsupervised podcast affiliations.
Trump Team Puts Greenland on a 30-Day Free Trial
The offer includes complimentary strategic interest, priority boarding for cabinet members, and a return label nobody is authorized to print.
ATF Assigns Federal Sommelier to Every Home Distillery
New compliance officers will inspect copper stills, sniff the air suspiciously, and invoice families for the privilege of not making bourbon.
Alaska Stores Its Finalists on a Rotating Candidate Carousel
Officials say the secured display will prevent any more post-primary exits while giving campaigns a federally compliant amount of fresh air.
Trump and Mamdani Given Joint Custody of New York Until Lunch
A 90-minute handoff will include City Hall keys, alternate-side parking authority, and one emotionally complicated ceremonial pigeon.
South Korea Turns Strait of Hormuz Into a No-Combat Valet Zone
President Lee’s new maritime policy promises to keep commercial ships safe, polished, and parked nose-out for a rapid diplomatic exit.
JD Vance Gives Every Republican a Fresh Hello My Name Is Badge
The vice president says the party’s new voter-introduction program will allow officials to meet America for the first time again.