FRESH SPILL19 minutes ago
Trump Administration Puts Velvet Rope Around Minnesota Courtroom
Officials say state judges may still enter, provided they have a reservation under the name “Constitutional Question.”
SPILL ALERT
THE REAL NEWS HAS BEEN ADVISED TO RETAIN COUNSEL◆NO ADULT SUPERVISION◆ZERO FILLER◆ABSURDITY SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE
TODAY’S BIG SPILL01
State Legislatures Install Moving Walkways Between Congressional Districts
The new system promises a seamless constituent experience, provided no one expects to arrive in the same representation they left with.
THIS SEEMS IMPORTANTTHESCOOP!
Things we cannot believe required a newsroom.
FRESH SPILL29 minutes ago
Pentagon Hands Senate Iran War Check With Suggested 22% Gratuity
The seven-page tab lists missiles at market price, base repairs under “ambiance,” and a $67 billion add-on under “chef’s recommendation.”
FRESH SPILL39 minutes ago
Trump Unveils Luxury Model Army Base for Poland
The installation will demonstrate readiness from a climate-controlled command center nobody is authorized to touch.
02 / THE DAMAGE REPORTWELL. THAT
WELL. THAT
HAPPENED.
Two more developments politics somehow managed to make stranger than necessary.
FRESH SPILL8 hours ago
Bernie Sanders and Steve Bannon Form AI Homeowners Association
The new bipartisan board has already prohibited chatbots from installing infinity pools of synthetic empathy without a permit.
READ THE DAMAGE →
FRESH SPILL1 day ago
DHS Replaces Voter Probe With Giant Claw Machine
Officials say the machine will identify suspicious files once it stops retrieving staplers, lanyards, and DHS itself.
READ THE DAMAGE →MORE BAD
DECISIONS.
The rest of the current SPILL. Newest first. No sensible explanation available.
FRESH SPILL1 day ago
Trump Administration Puts Big Bend Border Wall on Wheels
Officials say the roaming barrier will make brief, federally meaningful visits to every disputed property.
FRESH SPILL1 day ago
Rubio Puts South African Officials on America’s Velvet-Rope Guest List
The new diplomatic screening process reportedly includes a clipboard, a coiled earpiece, and one devastating look at the shoes.
FRESH SPILL1 day ago
Senate Locks Crypto Bill in Escape Room Until It Finds an Ethics Clause
The chamber says the Clarity Act may proceed once 60 senators locate a conflict-of-interest safeguard hidden somewhere beneath the catering trays.
FRESH SPILL1 day ago
Trump Nominee Converts World Food Programme Into Global Drive-Thru
Rome headquarters will add a humanitarian pickup lane, menu-board diplomacy, and a strict no-substitutions policy for international crises.
FRESH SPILL1 day ago
Russian Navy Issues Danish Helicopters a Quiet-Hours Permit
Pilots will now be asked to keep all emergency-looking maneuvers below the approved decibel level of a diplomatic grievance.
FRESH SPILL2 days ago
OpenAI Unveils Hall Monitors for Its Most Advanced Chatbots
The new auditors will trail frontier models through every conversation and confiscate any answer written in permanent marker.
FRESH SPILL2 days ago
Trump Opens National Parks to AI Data Center Petting Zoos
Visitors will be allowed to admire the nation’s largest humming boxes from a safe, federally designated picnic distance.
FRESH SPILL2 days ago
Trump Opens Sanctions Return Counter for Belarus
The new federal kiosk accepts prisoner releases, unopened embargoes, and diplomatic receipts printed within 30 days.
FRESH SPILL2 days ago
Trump Opens Presidential Name-Use Desk After Delaware Primary Loss
The new office will process objections, endorsements, disclaimers, and all surnames considered spiritually adjacent to Trump.
THE ARCHIVE3 days ago
Trump Dismisses AI Slowdown Warnings as Tech Stocks Sell Off
After leading AI executives warned that the race to build more powerful models must slow, President Donald Trump argued the United States…
THE ARCHIVE5 days ago
CIA Files Show Clinton and Bush Were Warned of Bin Laden Threats — Not the 9/11 Plot
The CIA’s newly released presidential briefs document repeated alarms about al-Qaida, attacks inside the United States and possible hijackings. They do not…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
Treasury Sets $6 Billion Bond Buyback as Long-Term Borrowing Costs Keep Rising
The Treasury Department will offer to repurchase up to $6 billion in older 10- to 20-year bonds on September 10, 2026. The…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
Snoop Dogg’s $10,000-a-Month Ice Cream Job Is Real — but It Lasts Three Months
Dr. Bombay is seeking an international taste tester at $10,000 a month. The viral claim is accurate, but it leaves out the…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
EU Court Says IKEA Can Block Belgian Far-Right Party’s Use of Its Brand in Immigration Campaign
The Court of Justice of the European Union found that Vlaams Belang cannot simply invoke political speech to use IKEA’s famous branding…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
Illinois mother faces murder charges after 2-year-old’s death; prosecutors cite texts about Lindsay Clancy trial
A Will County court filing says Corie Walsh was discussing the closely watched Massachusetts case hours before her son was found dead.…
THE ARCHIVE2 weeks ago
Miami judge denies bond to Brickell man charged in mother’s stabbing death
Stefano Cremasco-Cicero remains jailed on a second-degree murder charge after Miami police said they found his mother fatally stabbed in his 47th-floor…
THE ARCHIVE2 weeks ago
ICE Plans Up to $5 Million Voter-File Contract That Could Reach Every State
A DHS procurement forecast says Homeland Security Investigations wants a contractor to obtain and securely deliver voter-registration and voting-history files for fraud-detection…
THE ARCHIVE7 days ago
El-Sayed Put Corporate Power at the Center of His Detroit Senate Pitch
At a January Detroit town hall, Abdul El-Sayed tied health-care costs, trade policy and workers’ bargaining power to corporate influence. Seven months…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
Oil Nearly Hit $100 After Saudi Attacks, Putting Inflation and the 2026 Midterms Back on Edge
A fresh attack on Saudi energy infrastructure drove crude sharply higher and sent major U.S. stock indexes lower Tuesday, delivering another warning…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
NATO Says Russia’s Stealthier Submarines Are a Bigger Threat Than at Any Point Since the Cold War
A former commander’s warning about quieter Russian nuclear submarines tracks with NATO’s own assessment: Moscow’s newer undersea fleet is harder to detect,…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
Houthis Take Mokha, Raising the Stakes at the Red Sea’s Southern Gateway
The Iran-aligned group’s reported seizure of Yemen’s Mokha port city puts it closer to the Bab el-Mandeb Strait, a chokepoint already strained…
THE ARCHIVE7 days ago
Sheridan Gorman’s Family Wants Police-ICE Cooperation. Illinois Law Draws a Hard Line at Detainers
After the slain Loyola student’s sister called local and federal law-enforcement cooperation “common sense,” the central policy question remains narrower and more…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
James Talarico Says Democrats Take Black Voters for Granted. Now He Has to Prove He Won’t.
The Texas Democratic Senate nominee has made Black voter outreach a central test of his November campaign against Ken Paxton—after Black Texans…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
Judge Ordered ICE to Release Salvadoran Man After Finding It Denied Him a Bond Hearing
DHS is attacking Judge Jinsook Ohta over David Antonio Aviles Perez’s release. But the August 26 order did not clear him of…
THE ARCHIVE7 days ago
Cooper Leads Whatley by 11 Points, but Calls North Carolina’s Senate Fight ‘Close’
The Democratic former governor has a substantial September polling advantage over Republican Michael Whatley. With seven weeks until Election Day, Cooper’s caution…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
Trump DOJ Prosecutor Joe diGenova Resigns as Its ‘Grand Conspiracy’ Probe Stalls
DiGenova confirmed his September 10 resignation after five months overseeing a Florida-based investigation into Trump’s longtime political and government adversaries—a probe that…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
Rubio Says U.S. Will Still Blow Up Suspect Drug Boats as Ecuador Partnership Expands
Secretary of State Marco Rubio said the Trump administration is shifting toward joint counterdrug operations with regional allies, while preserving its claimed…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
Republicans Are Skipping Trump’s Dallas Convention as the Midterms Tighten
The RNC wants its September 9-10 Dallas gathering to put Donald Trump at the center of the 2026 campaign. But House Republicans…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
Trump promised no Medicaid cuts. His law cuts nearly $990 billion.
The administration has now issued the rules to enforce a new Medicaid work requirement, while congressional budget analysts project the law Trump…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
Canada Hits U.S. Goods With New Tariffs After Trump’s 50% Levies Escalate Trade War
Ottawa’s counter-tariffs took effect September 8 on U.S. products spanning steel, dairy, appliances and electronics—an immediate cost and supply-chain fight set off…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
Congressman presses Trump’s DOT over Tesla drivers apparently sleeping at the wheel
Rep. Raja Krishnamoorthi wants Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy to explain whether federal regulators are treating videos of apparently sleeping Tesla drivers as…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
UN Panel Says Israel’s Detention of Syrians May Amount to War Crimes
Investigators told the U.N. Human Rights Council that 49 Syrians, including two children, had been identified as detained by Israeli forces inside…
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
Brazil Justice Flávio Dino Restores Federal Police Chief After Rival Judge Ordered Him Suspended
The abrupt reversal deepens a public fracture inside Brazil’s Supreme Court as politically explosive police investigations unfold ahead of October’s presidential election.
THE ARCHIVE1 week ago
Oil Surges Above $105 as U.S.-Iran Tanker War Deepens the Economic Fallout
A new round of attacks on oil shipping has driven the global benchmark above $105 a barrel, threatening higher fuel costs and…