Kevin McCarthy Orders GOP Midterm Hopefuls to Campaign Without Chairs
Candidates will remain upright until Election Day, except during donor lunches classified as “vertical engagement.”
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02 / THE SPILLBOARDWHAT JUST
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Politics, processed with absolutely no adult supervision.
Trump Administration Funds University Lab’s Federal Complaint About Itself
The $700,000 award will establish a fully staffed office for determining whether the office should have been funded.
Trump Unveils Federal Recycling Bins for Unfavorable Polls
The White House says improperly discarded numbers may re-enter the public conversation as “unauthorized confidence.”
THE DAY
GOT WEIRDER.
Trump Requires Red Sea Crisis To Submit Better Deck Before Response
A new White House review process will determine whether international emergencies have sufficiently premium fonts, color palettes, and momentum.
Netanyahu Deploys Roomba Diplomats After UN Walkout
The autonomous envoys were programmed to remain seated through all remarks, pending clearance from their national charging stations.
04 / KEEP SCROLLINGMORE BAD
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DECISIONS.
Every current SPILL, newest first.
Russia Threatens Denmark With 400,000 Uncloseable Parking-App Pop-Ups
The operation’s planners reportedly chose the format after concluding that tanks require too much customer support.
Texas Election Offices Move Voter Registration Backlog to Airport Terminal
Applicants will now learn their civic status from a departure board that changes gates every eleven minutes.
Trump Converts West Wing Into Podcast Guest Waiting Room
The president will now sit beneath a ring light until the nation’s microphones remember who built the microphones.
Trump Arch Granted Historic Status Before It Exists
The administration says the empty space where it will stand has already become too important to disturb.
Trump Installs Giant U.S.-China Power Meter Outside White House
The administration says the new diplomatic instrument will provide a single, highly adjustable answer to every question about global influence.
Treasury Adds Surge Pricing to U.S. Debt After Yields Jump
Bond buyers will now be encouraged to book America several Tuesdays in advance or accept whatever aisle seat remains beside the deficit.
Mike Rogers Campaign Adds Retractable Trump Wall to Every Michigan Event
The partition can deploy in under three seconds, or whenever a volunteer hears the phrase “bipartisan common ground.”
Trump Administration Launches Argentina Rewards Program for $7 Billion
The new Milei Miles card lets Washington earn priority boarding on future barrels of oil.
DHS Converts Headquarters Into 250,000-Square-Foot Escape Room
Visitors will have 60 minutes to locate a functioning chain of command before a prerecorded alert announces that their badge no longer…
FBI Reassigns Every Agent to a Parking Garage Identity
The bureau says no one can leak an agent’s identity if every agent is technically Level C, Blue Section, near the broken…
CNN and CBS Ordered to Share One Giant Breaking-News Desk
The merged newsroom says the new arrangement will eliminate duplication, except for the 47 people assigned to explain whose turn it is…
Kim Jong Un Rebrands Missile Program as Premium Headache Experience
The new strategic deterrent will reportedly begin with a complimentary hold-music consultation and end whenever the customer stops asking questions.
Texas Pollsters Rezone State as Mixed-Use Government
The new arrangement gives each statewide race its own entrance, thermostat and carefully litigated access to the shared driveway.
Democrats Add Airport Security to the Big Tent
Party officials say every viewpoint remains welcome after a brief, respectful screening for liquids, sharp objects, and unsupervised podcast affiliations.
Trump Team Puts Greenland on a 30-Day Free Trial
The offer includes complimentary strategic interest, priority boarding for cabinet members, and a return label nobody is authorized to print.
ATF Assigns Federal Sommelier to Every Home Distillery
New compliance officers will inspect copper stills, sniff the air suspiciously, and invoice families for the privilege of not making bourbon.
Alaska Stores Its Finalists on a Rotating Candidate Carousel
Officials say the secured display will prevent any more post-primary exits while giving campaigns a federally compliant amount of fresh air.
Trump and Mamdani Given Joint Custody of New York Until Lunch
A 90-minute handoff will include City Hall keys, alternate-side parking authority, and one emotionally complicated ceremonial pigeon.
South Korea Turns Strait of Hormuz Into a No-Combat Valet Zone
President Lee’s new maritime policy promises to keep commercial ships safe, polished, and parked nose-out for a rapid diplomatic exit.
JD Vance Gives Every Republican a Fresh Hello My Name Is Badge
The vice president says the party’s new voter-introduction program will allow officials to meet America for the first time again.
Paxton Super PAC Deploys Industrial Fans Against Talarico Momentum
The group says its new weather-grade political infrastructure will keep unfavorable polling from drifting into the campaign headquarters.
Justice Department Installs Rotating Campaign Backdrop Behind Every Podium
Officials can now switch from federal authority to personal capacity with one compliance-approved quarter turn.
Iran Turns Giant Rally Into National Sacrifice Loyalty Program
Officials say the new program rewards civic devotion with points, laminated wristbands and increasingly difficult redemption options.
Newsom Places California AI Kill Switch Beneath Giant Glass Dome
The emergency button can only be pressed after a certified consultant confirms the emergency has been properly scheduled.
Pentagon Converts Annual Checkups Into Testosterone Combine
Troops over 30 will reportedly receive draft cards, scouting notes, and a laminated ranking against everyone in their parking garage.
Saudi Arabia Adds Thirty-Day Return Policy to Fighter Jets
Aircraft may be exchanged for store credit, provided the original tail section is still attached.
Tom Homan Debuts Walk-In Investigation Kiosk Outside Fox Studio
The new federal service counter offers laminated pagers, a complaint-free waiting area, and two hours of validated suspicion.
State Legislatures Install Moving Walkways Between Congressional Districts
The new system promises a seamless constituent experience, provided no one expects to arrive in the same representation they left with.
Trump Administration Puts Velvet Rope Around Minnesota Courtroom
Officials say state judges may still enter, provided they have a reservation under the name “Constitutional Question.”
Pentagon Hands Senate Iran War Check With Suggested 22% Gratuity
The seven-page tab lists missiles at market price, base repairs under “ambiance,” and a $67 billion add-on under “chef’s recommendation.”
Trump Unveils Luxury Model Army Base for Poland
The installation will demonstrate readiness from a climate-controlled command center nobody is authorized to touch.
Bernie Sanders and Steve Bannon Form AI Homeowners Association
The new bipartisan board has already prohibited chatbots from installing infinity pools of synthetic empathy without a permit.
DHS Replaces Voter Probe With Giant Claw Machine
Officials say the machine will identify suspicious files once it stops retrieving staplers, lanyards, and DHS itself.
Trump Administration Puts Big Bend Border Wall on Wheels
Officials say the roaming barrier will make brief, federally meaningful visits to every disputed property.